40 Days

Today I have gone 40 days without drinking alcohol. It’s horrifying to realise, but I think this is the longest I have gone without a drink since I started drinking at 15. I am now 30.

Over the past two years I have flirted with the idea of giving up drinking. My hangovers were getting worse and, pushing 30, I no longer thought it was fun or cute to get wasted and do or say embarrassing or hurtful things. Not only that, but I had a complex set of chronic health conditions, the symptoms of which were becoming more and more pronounced. As my minor diet and lifestyle interventions produced minimal results, and as my blood test results kept coming back worse, and as I kept lying to my doctor about my alcohol intake, I eventually decided that I was going to attempt to make 2021 an alcohol-free year.

This isn’t the first time I’ve attempted to address my relationship with alcohol. After a suggestion from my gastroenterologist in 2020 I tried to do 3 months without drinking. I thought this would be easy, particularly as my gastroenterologist said I didn’t have to do all consecutively — I could try doing 3 x 30 days AF across a 12 month period.

The first 30 days was actually relatively easy. I was quite excited to see what changes going booze free would bring. I did blood tests at the start of the 30 days, and at the end. My cholesterol, liver enzymes and thyroid function were all improved after the 30 days AF. But I had done my 30 days and went straight back to drinking.

The relative ease and success of that first 30 days would not be repeated. A few months later when it came time to do another month, I really struggled. Granted by this time a global pandemic was in full force and I had scheduled my alcohol free month for one of the only times in 2020 that Sydney, Australia was in a hard lockdown (hint: this was not a good time to try to stop drinking). I made it to 3 weeks and decided that, considering it was a pandemic, that was good enough.

The final month that I was supposed to be AF I lasted 5 days. A friend invited us to party at their parents fancy house while the parents were away. The house had a spa — I couldn’t be expected to not drink during a spa party! I compromised with myself. Instead of doing 30 days AF I would do 6 weeks of only drinking on weekends. Of course, on most of those weekends I would get wasted and completely negate any minor good not drinking the previous 5 days might have done.

I’ve tried not drinking during the week. I’ve tried not having more than 2 drinks at a time. I’ve tried only drinking while eating a meal. I’ve tried drinking one glass of water for every glass of wine. And none of it has stuck.

This year I’m trying to go the entire year. I’m not sure what it is, but the psychology of going 365 instead of 30 days has helped to trigger some switch in my brain. I am writing this on day 40, and I feel strong in my resolve. For possibly the first time in my life, I’m also considering not ever returning to drinking.

I’m starting this blog as a a reflective space for my journey, and also to help break down the stigma of alcohol abuse. I used to think that how I drank was fine, normal and even expected. But I’ve started myself on a journey of self-discovery and education — and I want to document it for myself and for anyone else questioning their relationship with alcohol.